"Keep the Love-Flame Burning"
(2/14/07)

In 1972 Elvis was singing his hit single, “Burning Love,” declaring that love was lifting him“higher higher,” and making it hard for him “to breath,” because he was, after all “just a hunk of burning love.” But in real life, Elvis and his wife’s love had grown cold. That very year Elvis and Priscilla would split up. Elvis would replace Priscilla with Linda Thompson, but that flame would flicker only a couple of years at best before it died. Apparently singing about it “doesn’t make it so.”

Keeping the flame of love alive can be more difficult than producing a hit single or starring in a Hollywood blockbuster. It takes work, a lot of work. But the good news is the work of keeping the flame burning, is fun, really fun. In fact it’s that “work” that stokes the fire of true “burning love.” If your relationship seems at times to be a struggle, that’s normal! Most relationships go through periods of challenge and struggle. But we can keep the flame alive, even burning.

Here are seven “sure-fire” steps to keep the love-flame in your life burning. Try one each day of the week. If you’re really ready for the flame to heat up, try all of them on one day. Here they are:

(1). Set Your Priorities Before Others Set Them for You. If she feels like his friends, football games, hunting, fishing, golfing, and work, all come before her, the flame of love will suffocate because of neglect. And if he feels like her work, or friends, come before him, the same is true: priorities reveal the temperature of the relationship. That’s good, because the temperature can change by changing the priority. Establish the priority. Put your loved one first, follow through with commitment, and watch that temperature rise!

(2) Focus! Focus! Focus! I repeat that three times for us men! My wife Lori will say something to me and then ask, “Do you know what I just said?” I used to pride myself on being able to rattle her words back to her verbatim. I wondered why she didn’t compliment my ability to multi-task. I learned it’s because even though she knows I can hear, she wants me to listen. That means stopping and looking her in the eye while she talks. I’m learning not only to listen to her words but to the tone of her voice, her inflection, and I watch her facial expressions, all which can reveal her fears, concerns, and hopes. Listen, and sooner or later you’ll begin to hear the sound of that love- flame burning!

(3). Love the One You’re With. I know Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young weren’t promoting faithfulness when they sang “Love the One You’re With.” But here’s what happens too often. When reality sets in and a couple discovers their partner has flaws, sometimes major ones, one or both of the partners in the relationship looks to the other side of the fence and wonders “what if.” Instead, love and accept with all you are the one you’re with and you’ll have no need to look beyond the one you’re with.

(4). The Little Things Make the Biggest Difference. I’d love to surprise my wife with lunch in Paris, France or dinner in New York City. But what will keep the flame burning will be the little things, like bringing her morning coffee, with the amount of cream and sweetener she prefers, or a daily love note, or an evening cup of tea together. I’ve learned some of the things that make her smile. Let’s see, a mocha coffee with soy milk from Starbucks or water with lemon, cherries, extra cherry juice, and lots of ice, shaved ice, from Sonic. I think I’ve got it. But there’s more, so much more we can learn about our loved ones, and it’s that knowledge, when expressed in ways that please, that literally ignite the love-flame.

(5). Remember, it’s Supposed to be Fun. Plan for fun, arrange fun, and make time for fun things. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Simply getting away to a Saturday afternoon movie or even taking a leisurely drive can do the trick.

(6). Give Thanks. Make a thankful list. List all the good qualities of your loved one. Then, write a note or letter to your spouse expressing how much you are grateful for those qualities. If you focus on the negative, and you can always find them, the negative qualities will grow. If you focus on the positive, and think and talk about those, they too will increase. Which do you want?

(7) Never go to Bed Mad. A dear elderly lady whose husband was deceased attributed that bit of advice to her having had a successful marriage. How we go to sleep affects our tomorrow. An unforgiving attitude imprisons us in a negative energy cycle. You can reverse that by accepting and forgiving.

Keeping the flame burning is really fun. My wife and I had our first date on October 27, 1974. I took her to Sonic. So last October 27, you guessed it, I took her to Sonic. But I called ahead and had them play, “I Honesty Love You,” by Olivia Newton John, just before we placed our order. That song was playing back at Sonic on October 27, 1974. Bringing back that memory fanned the flame of romance. And it was fun planning it! If that’s work, I’ll take the full-time job.

Your love-flame will be more intense at some times than at others. By practicing these seven suggestions, it will not likely go out. In fact, my guess is that it will flame brighter and brighter until your lover might just have to say, “You are one ‘hunk of burning love!’”
With kindest regards,
David B. Whitlock, Ph.D.